toad stool house
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Not that any of you care because I’ve been gone for like.. forever.

But I’ve seriously been suffering from panic attacks for the last month.

I didn’t know what to call them until now. I am diagnosed with Clinical depression and Anxiety, I am on cymbalta and¬†buspirone and a couple other things. But basically it’s getting really bad.

I started a new job at the beginning of the month and since I have I’ve literally cried while driving home the whole way home (it’s like a 30 minute drive) and I’ve cried for almost no reason at all. Either I get a look from someone or I just feel like I’m fucking up. I work with animals now at a Boarding facility and I want to be a Vet tech but this job is literally killing me. It’s not a hard job and I’m good at it but for some reason or another I feel like I’m fucking up.

I’ve literally never felt so terrible in my entire life. And that is saying something.

Maybe thats an exageration but it’s literally been at least 3 weeks of non-stop crying constantly. I’ve been better at hiding it work but at this point I sit in the parking lot and cry for at least 15 minutes because I’m crying so hard I can’t even see enough to leave the parking lot.

I literally can’t even explain it other than “freaking the fuck out” everyone is noticing. I realized this week that my hair is falling out, and the past two weeks i’ve been developing a stress rash over my cheeks. (It looks like a malar rash but not really.)

It’s not my job doing this, it’s me because I don’t want to fuck up the job.

I mean it doesnt help that none of my coworkers like me.

I really don’t know what to do and my faith in everything is really dwindling. I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.

When I talk to my mom she says I’m not taking my meds correctly. My boyfriend doesnt get it. None of my friends get it.¬†

I literally feel like I’m losing it.

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Path through the Woods by Dennis Fisher on Flikr.
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